It Doesn't Matter Anymore
by dizzyS
Summary: It doesn't matter anymore, does it? Or maybe it does, it always did. Esposito learns it the hard way. (or an alternative version to "Last Seduction")


Wrote this last year when "Last Seduction" aired. I saw a ton of comparisons between this and Caskett's scene on season's 3 finale so I wanted to write something similar yet in a less serious tone. I also wanted them to have a little more time to talk about their issues and all those suppressed feelings. Any mistakes are due to my inability to write in english, as I'm not a native of the language. Originally posted on ao3.

I don't own Castle or else it would continue for more seventy years. Sorry Jenny I was too lazy to write you, I still love you.

* * *

"Ryan, why won't you go with this guy and grab copies of Lindsey's files and phone records?"

"Yeah, yeah, sure sergeant, want me to get you a cup of coffee too while I'm on it?"

"I'm so glad this is almost over! Put this damned pad away! Alright? It doesn't matter anymore!" Javier Esposito grabbed Kevin Ryan's notepad and tried to force it into the latter's jacket pocket but it only made Ryan explode.

"You know what? You're right! It really doesn't matter, I'm putting it _away_!"

Ryan threw the small notepad on the nearest garbage can and left with the company's owner, who was looking rather uncomfortably at the detectives' interaction. Esposito sighed. They had tried all they could (which was everything, in Esposito's opinion at least), including a therapist but nothing had worked. They gave the impression of being a couple about to divorce, a thing that Castle announced right away, paralleling their situation to his second failed marriage. In a buffer attempt, Castle had suggested they wrote their feelings on the notepads to discuss later, as an alternative to arguing everywhere; that ended with them shouting at each other in the precinct and getting a reprimand from Beckett. It was hard to admit but only a partner transfer could solve it now.

With another sad sigh, Esposito made his way to Lindsey's office, their prime-suspect, knocking on the open door and not waiting for a reply to enter.

"You again! Here to harass me some more detective?"

"Actually I'm here to take you in," Esposito said, calmly.

"If this is your latest attempt to get access to my client log, it won't work," she grabbed the logbook Castle had tried to steal before and put it in the first drawer of her desk, leaving it open.

"You don't get it, do you?" Esposito continued, "You're under arrest for the murder of Scott McCoy."

"What?" she looked surprised, but Esposito knew how their suspects could conceal their emotions, particularly a lawyer like Lindsey was.

"Yeah."

"Why would I possibly do that?" the woman inquired, a slight trace of distress in her voice.

"Because Scott was about to blow the whistle on George Keller and if your client's going down for criminal conspiracy, well, you would, too," Esposito clarified.

She rounded the table and got closer to him in a threatening way, her eyes piercing his with anger.

"Okay, this is crazy. You have _nothing_ on me."

"Yeah, well, you can tell that to the judge who signed the search warrant for your apartment. CSU's going through it right now," she appeared shocked by that and Esposito knew he had blown it. "Now, if you're innocent that won't be a problem. But if you stab a guy _nine_ times," he emphasized that part, "you're bound to get some blood on you somewhere. You probably threw the clothes out, but what about the shoes? Did you get rid of them?"

She merely laughed, turning her back at Esposito but he continued.

"Or did you just try to wipe them off? Because blood residue can be one stubborn son of a bitch. Now, like I said, I'm taking you in…"

He didn't even have time to react as she took hold of a gun from the desk's drawer she had previously left open and pointed it at him. Esposito froze.

"Lindsey, calm down," he spoke carefully.

"Shut up!" she said, cocking the gun.

"Just calm down," Esposito repeated, trying to appear collected; he had been in that exact setting far too many times by now and he didn't know what Lindsey could do in her hysterical state.

"Just… shut up and let me think!" she repeated and this time the panic could be fully heard in her tone.

"Now listen to me. You're a brilliant lawyer. You might still beat this. But if you pull that trigger you're going to go away forever," Esposito feel it was worth a shot (pun unintended) to reach for the gun but she recoiled.

"Stay back. Just stay away from me."

In that instant Ryan, who was finally back with the files in his hand, stopped at the door, horrified with the vision of a gun pointed at his defenseless partner. He didn't have time to think.

"I can't do that," Esposito reached for his gun but he knew he was too late. He heard Ryan's voice yell his name as he was tackled to the ground, and a gunshot resonated in his ears. Without really thinking due to the adrenaline, he got up quickly, prepared to follow Lindsey as she was already in the stairs but at the door he realized something was missing. Ryan wasn't behind him. He looked back and his insides turned. Esposito didn't expect to see his partner, his _best friend_ , still laying on the ground, face down, the forgotten files discarded a few meters away from his right hand. And more importantly, not moving.

"Kevin!" Esposito hurried to Ryan's side, flipping him over. A sea of red was already making its way to the carpet.

"No, no, no, Kevin! Please, open your eyes, open your eyes, dammit!" he cried but Ryan didn't move, his face pale as a movie apparition. He hurriedly took his phone from his pocket with one hand and dialed 911, while he kept the other in Ryan's chest, trying to uselessly stop the blood from oozing. He attempted to check for a heartbeat but his own tremors were too much and he just hoped his partner didn't die there. After about three or four minutes the sirens could be heard and a moment later two paramedics entered the cramped room. Esposito remained silent while they worked on the fallen detective, trying not to look at his bloodied hands. All that blood, _Kevin's blood_.

When they finally informed him of the hospital they were taking Ryan to, he called Beckett. Getting out to the lobby he remembered the notepad which Ryan had put in the garbage can not even an hour ago. In an impulse, and ignoring the stares of the other workers that came when they heard the commotion, he crouched and retrieved the small book, putting it in his pocket.

The drive to the hospital was the longest Esposito ever experienced. He wanted to get there as fast as he could but at the same time he didn't want to face the fact that Ryan could actually die. And to think the last thing he said to the man was that it didn't matter anymore. It did, it always did but, as always, he was too stubborn to admit Kevin was right. Now he might never even have the chance to apologise. _No, he won't go, stop thinking about that possibility, Kevin is strong_ , and was with a heavy chest that he parked the car they both usually shared, which now— _for now_ , only had his thoughts and that small notepad for company.

Time was slow while Ryan was in surgery and he was alone in that small waiting room. He had flick through all the old magazines, counted all the tiles on the floor and drunk coffee but he didn't know what to do anymore to forget the reason he was there. He presumed Beckett was working on catching Lindsey, thus the reason she wasn't there with him, but he didn't mind it much for now. Ryan's pad was still in his pocket; he had excused himself mentally stating that he would feel like a creep going through his friend's thoughts but in reality he hadn't had the courage to read it knowing that those could be Ryan's last thoughts, thoughts about how Ryan hated him. _I'll apologize, I swear_ , he said quietly, _whoever is in there,_ _please save him_.

It was almost one in the morning when he felt a hand on his back and opened his drowsy eyes to a tired detective and an uncommonly silent writer. Castle gave him an apologetic look and Beckett hugged him, both without a word. Then they sat down bracing themselves for more endless waiting. However, thirty minutes, later a kind-looking blonde nurse came through the door, his tired look identical to the one in Beckett's face. The three of them got up instantly at her sight.

"Are you here for Detective Kevin Ryan?" the nurse asked unnecessarily, since they were the only people in the room.

"Yes, how's him?" Esposito heard his mouth make the question. He didn't want to know anymore; by now he was convinced Kevin was definitely dead and there was nothing in the world, _nothing_ he could do to make his best friend come back…

"Everything went considerably well," Esposito had to sit down, "He was really lucky. The bullet entered obliquely and didn't cause any damage to his organs. We were concerned for his heart but nothing major was hit, so he's expected to make a full recovery," she smiled, "He's still sedated right now, but you can see him when he wakes up, which can take a while, so I suggest you to go home to take a rest."

She left, leaving the three of them breathing sighs of relief.

That morning Esposito wasn't really sure how he had been able to eat. He wanted to go to check on Ryan as soon as they stopped at the hospital parking and Beckett had to make the detective fill his empty stomach. When they arrived from the cafeteria twenty minutes later another nurse, taller and less friendly-looking announced that Kevin was awake and asking for someone called "Assposito, I didn't really get it, but it was somewhat like that". Amused, Beckett motioned for the nervous man to go first while she stayed out with Castle, and Esposito followed the nurse. He found a groggy, disoriented Kevin Ryan, but he still thought that was much better than an unconscious, not moving one. _Or dead_ , his mind added pointlessly. He didn't know what to say but Ryan talked first.

"Are you still mad?" he uttered.

"Mad? No," Esposito's voice was raspy.

"Good," Ryan closed his eyes, "I'm not sure what… I would do if you were…"

"Well…" his mouth turned into a small smile, "if you keep calling me Assposito I'm gonna be mad for real."

"Well I think… that is still… a good one…" he breathed, "I'm sorry, Javi… I'm sorry… for everything."

The sincerity in his friend's words made Esposito curse himself mentally. He was the one to blame, why was Kevin apologizing instead of him?

"Listen, Kevin, I… I was a stubborn son of a bitch, I only cared about what I thought and completely disregarded you."

"Javi…"

"No, hang on, lemme finish…I… I should be the one there instead of you. I was just so… afraid, you know? I thought you were going to die… I'm... I'm sorry, _partner_ , for everything," he concluded, tears pricking his eyes.

"Partner, huh? Not… "bro" anymore?" Ryan said as humorously as possible in his state.

"Shut up," but he was smiling softly.

"Will you… stay?"

Esposito grabbed Ryan's hand in his own, squeezing it gently. It was warm.

"Of course. But Beckett and Castle are outside and she will most likely suspend me if I don't let her in at least for a couple minutes."

A few hours later Ryan was stable enough to get out of the ICU and into a normal room. Esposito was with him the whole time, sat in the ugly, grey chair.

"Doesn't it hurt?" Ryan asked after a yawn. He had been previously sleeping and his voice startled Esposito, who was looking at the tiny TV screen across the room.

"What?"

"Your butt," he wasn't joking this time.

"I can handle it. What about you? No pain?"

"Not really, guess the painkillers are doing what they're supposed to do."

They stayed in silence for a bit until Esposito decided to bring it.

"Huh… Kevin?"

"Yes?"

"I might… have retrieved your notepad from the garbage can…" he admitted.

"Huh- what for?"

"I… don't even know why I took it? I didn't read it though, I promise." he looked at Ryan sheepishly, "It seemed… necessary at that time."

"I'm supposed to be the sentimental in here, remember?" Ryan said, realizing where he was getting at.

"Don't you… huh… still need it? I mean…"

"Nah, I'm fine. It's like you said, it doesn't matter anymore, partner."

Esposito laughed and put the small book once again in the garbage can.

"Thanks for saving my life, _bro_."


End file.
